Wal, here I am again, kids, jackin’ jaws to ya ‘bout the importance of staying the course… Wha… what’s that Rummy? That’s not the propaganda we’re pushin’ during midterm elections?! Why doesn’t anybody ever recluse ME in to what the hell I’m talkin’ about anymore… ya’d think I’m some kinda mind reader or somethin’! No wonder nobody likes me anymore! Y’all keep lettin’ me be a idiot! Now I gotta start over, ‘n I’m ALREADY getting’ a headache from all the high-powered consecration it takes to put my Special Whammy out there! Sometimes I wish Daddy never woulda’ got me this dang job. But it was either this or recovery group, n’ dammit, they don.t even let you out to the country club for golf!

Okay… where was I?... Oh, yeah… some more o’ my Special Whammy… Okay… take two… hee hee! That’s TV talk ‘fer “let ’er rip again”. You get to learn all KINDS of great stuff on this job! Okay… TAKE TWO…

Consecrate, now, George… consecrate… Okay… “Roll ‘em”… hee hee.

Wal, HALLO kids, an’ just how the heck are ya? This here’s yer George Dubya, the President of the United States of America. Now, see… that right there oughta give you a clue to what my bein’ President is all about. The UNITED States of America means we’re all UNITED, see what I mean? And I’m the PRESIDENT of it, which is sorta’ like ‘yer King ‘er ‘yer unresputed ... well… KING. (I could say Queen, but that would be more in Ted Haggard’s turf… hee hee. I told him he could go ahead ‘n broaden the evangelical agenda, but I was thinkin’ BROAD… get it? Hee hee!)

Anyway, PRESIDENT means that I gotta be the one that tells everybody what to do around here to keep you united behind what I wanna do while I’m the Boss, besides just the stuff Daddy tells me. Now, you’d be surprised at how much brains it takes to keep a-wheedlin’ the power around here, even for a C-average (almost STRAIGHT Cs) student what both went to college and served valiantly in the Air Force, ‘er whatever uniform that was. I cain’t hardly remember, see, we keep changin’ all that kinda stuff so regular ‘round here since Daddy said I could be President.

Anyways, to unite a big ol’ country like this, it takes even more natural brain power than the one me ‘n Daddy got when we put our heads together. So Daddy ‘n me, we had to pick our cabinet from all the smartest people he knew. But to help me take over all the countries corpalizin’ under the evil ideologies of evil men, we could only pick from people who were in the same ballpark, so to speak, as us, politically.

See, we needed people who’d listen to our special kinda’ truth. People who didn’t have a problem with making huge sacrifices, or with saying whatever needed to be said, or with bitch-slapping people who didn’t agree. We needed people we knew could shut up and lay low for a while when they got caught, ‘til we could figure out a way to get them back in. We needed people who were willing to act like they were in line with the image our powerful Christian friends like to get all dressed up in. (After all, a vote for Christ is a vote forever). In short, what we needed was people who knew the difference between right n’ wrong, and weren’t afraid to get their hands dirty.

This is hard pretoria to fill, you might guess. You gotta be somethin’ really special to be part of the Dubya administration. You gotta have special characterinsical values, special bank accounts, and been someone who grew up in special education. That’s how we got the special front-line we got, of me, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Rice. And… see right there how smart and thrifty we was right from the start? We got both a woman AND a nigra in one shot! And she likes to READ to me, too!

See, this way we knew we could stay the course no matter who or what got in our way. DANG IT RUMMY, it’s ME that’s the gol ‘durn PRESIDENT!!! I’ll stay the damn course if I WANT TO, and NOBODY gonna stop me NOW! Yer actin’ like one o’ them French frogs, fer chrissakes! I’m sendin’ you to Dad… git a move on, now! ‘N while ‘yer there, tell Osama to quit drinkin’ all my damn Yoo Hoo! That’s fer when I’m watchin’ my Triumph of the Will tape!

Anyways… sorry ‘bout that, kids. He gets off his meds and starts thinkin’ I’M a weapon of mass destruction anymore.

But’cha see what I mean… don’t’cha, kids? If we wasn’t UNITED like we are, under ONE clear leadership, no flip-floppin’ ‘er blame-gamin’, why, we’d be a great big ‘ol mess of a country, split right down the middle, like Iraq used to be before I showed ‘em the wisdom and inevitabesity of a free democracy. If I was to start givin’ people choices, then I’d have to start worrying about global warming (which there ain’t any) and gay marriages (which there ain’t any) and reasons to go to war (which there ain’t any) and secret American concentration camps (which there ain’t any) and civil war in Iraq (which there ain’t any) and illegal wire-tapping (which there ain’t any) and inhumane torture practices (which there ain’t any) and defined tours of duty (which there ain’t any) and illegal immigrants (which there ain’t any) and Iraq exit strategies (which there ain’t any) and… well, why the heck should I go on worryin’ about stuff that JIST AIN’T TRUE?

Just you count on me n’ Cheney n’ Rummy n’ Rice to keep doin’ the bang-up job we been doin’ all along, n’ rest assured that we’ll keep shootin’ ‘em down n’ lettin’ God sort ‘em out. And stop worryin’ about the Democrats takin’ over… it’s all been taken care of a long time ago already.

See, you gotta just let me be the President, and you be to peons, and my global secret police will continue to police the world make sure it’s safe from evil for ya’. Don’t be afraid, we know where you are at all times.

Happy Trails!!!... Dubya

P.S. … MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!